Gotta Rate ‘Em All: Part 5

Lyrics: The writing team was swapped out after Rolfe left; this intro was written by John Loeffler and David Wolfert, a combination of writers that, time has shown, creates pretty shitty songs. Pretty conventional lyrics, even to the point of being boring. No attempt to integrate the phrase “Battle Frontier”—although, to be fair, how the hell would you do that? It’s just stuck on: “It’s the Battle Frontier.”  Alright. The one notable thing about these lyrics is that they make the predestination in Pokémon intros more pronounced than ever, by explicitly calling Ash’s decision to be a Pokémon master, “the master plan.” Wow. God Himself wants Ash to be a Pokémon master.

Delivery: Jason “JJ” Appleton was the vocalist for this intro, and I find him very boring. The tune disintegrates around “You got the right stuff” and then turns into really bland rock music. The “It’s the Battle Frontier” part doesn’t do anything for me other than make me want the intro to finish more quickly. It’s just not anywhere near the quality of the last few intros. JJ Appleton is pursuing a serious music career post-Pokémon, though—here’s a video of him singing “Never Let You Down,” and he’s not as bad as this intro would lead you to believe.

Other: Meh. This song wouldn’t make me want to watch the series. (Although, at this point in my life, what should?) And again, tampering with the three-note Pokémon salute at the end? Sacrilege. (Side note: every episode in this season ended with a rap called “Go Pokémon Go!” This was a grim preview of what was to come.)

Rank: 11/14

Season 10:  Pokémon Diamond and Pearl (Diamond and Pearl)

Lyrics: Loeffler and Wolfert, what the fuck are you doing? Holy shit. Who decided that a rap intro was a good idea? UGH. This intro is supposed to rhyme, it’s clear, but seems to adopt an ABCDDECFGF*HHF rhyme scheme. These lyrics are embarrassing and say nothing. (“Behind every win there’s a chance to begin, again”? What the fuck does that mean?) The season’s name is thrown in as if the lyrics were hung on a dartboard and darts with “Diamond and Pearl” scrawled on their tails were hurled in their general direction by a blindfolded drunk. Was this intro written because Loeffler and Wolfert wanted to re-live the glory of the WildC.A.T.s. intro?

*I don’t know if it should be F or H. Does “battle” rhyme with “faster”? It’s sure sung as if it does. If you think it’s not meant to, the rhyme scheme would be ABCDDECFGHIIF.

Delivery: The delivery is worse than the lyrics. Chris “Breeze” Barczynski seems like a competent singer, given this video of him singing “Let’s Get it On,” but the way he sing-raps the lyrics to Diamond and Pearl make it seem as if he’s suffering a stroke mid-tune. It’s so bad. Very graciously, the G.I. Joe Background Singers Tribute Band agreed to sing the words “Pokémon!  Pokémon!” after they’d had a few drinks.

Other: This is by far the worst Pokémon intro of all. I feel bad for any children who regularly had to listen to this song.

Rank: 14/14. Without question.