In search of… search results

Search results are funny things. I intended, at some point, to start writing about movies Ashley and I have been watching recently – The Third Man and White Heat, two 1949 crime films with some great performances, in particular – but then realized that between a short attention span, a face with constant blurry vision and sinus issues, and a few other factors, this was unlikely to pan out in the immediate future. Another forthcoming blog could also be about the significance of cult figures or icons in general. We shall see. Because of course there’s such a clamor for my Internet-based wisdom and insight. At least, from me.

In any case, search results. Someone goes onto the Internet. Types in a few words. “I want to know about…” you name it. They go to Wikipedia, Yahoo, Google, whatever resource they know will suit their question, and then go with keywords or questions: Tell me about Facebook. Tell me about the rabbits. What is Twitter? What is my IP address? Unsure about some strange new aspect of the world? (E.g., What is Twittering, dammit?!) That’s why God (or Wesley Chan) made search bars. Instant gratification and access to endless information. Search results by the millions – 380,000,000 for “What is Twitter?” alone. Oh, this curious thing called the Internet and all its series of ever-so-helpful tubes.

Thankfully, my knowledge of people’s searching habits is no longer limited to just guessing: Google kindly shows popular searches with just a little prodding. And that’s the purpose of this post. To express my extreme amusement at the results I find. I tried to search for a line said by Moe to Rainier Wolfcastle and quoted in Planet Simpson, a book I recently read by Chris Turner (and have cited before in this very blog). I saw some interesting search suggestions start popping up, and lo and behold, we have gems like these.

Suggestions for "is it," "is it true," and "is it true that"

Do I really want to delve into the obsessions and curiosities that these searches suggest of the (American) public? There’s the nonexistent minutiae in the lives of low-culture icons like, dear God, the stars of Twilight and beloved ex-lovers Chris “Breezy” Brown and Rihanna, and their high position in the public psyche. We’ve got the whole-hearted paranoia and gullibility, with stories about Obama supposedly not saluting the flag, or the world ending in 2012 (in fact, a lot about the 2012 thing), or your heart stopping when you sneeze. And of course the eternal quandary of using it vs. losing it.

Lingering swine flu fears are there from the start, wondering about if Mexico is a safe travel destination yet. So it seems like when someone’s not looking for frivolous, celebrity-obsessed shit (OMG Miley’s preggers?!?!?), they’re nearly hysterical about whether Obama’s lack of patriotism is going to lead to some global cataclysm before his term is over (in fact, just typing in the word “is” yields the suggestion, “Is Obama the antichrist?” Hysteria indeed!)

So yes, I admit that seeing search suggestions like those both reassures me in my opinions (people are stupid!) and makes me laugh with regard to said conclusion (haha, people are stupid!). Mainly because you have to laugh. Or else you cry. Shut up about 2012, fuckers; you didn’t care about Incan codices before, so what what makes them so important now? Google, of course, is one of many resources for finding out about what’s on everybody’s mind. Since WordPress very sweetly includes search engine terms amongst the blog stats, Ashley and I have been able to witness a parade of curiouser & curiouser keywords being used to find Pussy Goes Grrr. I’ve been meaning to write about these terms for a long time, or at least use them as inspiration for a blog (some are, in fact, rather interesting), but never gotten around to it. Now the chance has arisen. Behold.

rosemarry from titanic heroiens fucking

gay boy

faith gnd pussy

amanda palmer pussy

women leaking pussy

lesbian art

I’ve seen Snopes and Happy Bodies do similar reviews of search terms – they’re just so fun! So fun to glance over the weird and wild ways people navigate the ‘Net. (Especially when it’s done with heavy alliteration.) Someone even found this blog once while searching for Snopes – oddly enough, that’s the same way I found xkcd in the first place. But who can help but enjoy talking about search terms. Meta-examination is just an endless joy, to contemplate one’s navel to your heart’s content. There’s probably some proportionality relationship between wanky enjoyment and wanky uselessness. But all I can determine is that when navel contemplation is involved, the word “wanky” is very, very appropriate.

I don’t know why the word “fucking” is so often tossed onto the end of search terms. For what it’s worth, the most commonly used keywords to find us are “pussy fuckers,” tied with “one flew over the cuckoo’s nest,” which as I recall was discussed in the first post I wrote. But, oh well, it’s a popular movie. We get a lot of pornographic inquiries – we discuss sexuality pretty often, after all, and the blog’s name does include the word “pussy” – some of which make us happy, like “amanda palmer pussy,” and some of which… do not. These are the far more common variety. For your viewing (dis)pleasure):

kid pussy

very young lolita pussy

childhood pussy

infant pussy

It was also a mistake to include the word “necrophilia” as a tag, apparently – it’s led to searches where it’s paired with “monkeys,” “squirrel,” and of course, “pussy.” So what’s the moral of this story? Lots of idiots with weird preoccupations happen to stumble upon this blog? Yes, that’s pretty much it. Though I do like the searches for lesbian art – and since people want to read about it, maybe Ashley and I will incorporate it as a topic of discussion more often. (Same goes for other LGBT topics, though not for human/animal sexuality.) So remember, I guess, when you type a few random, possibly ill-considered words into Google: you vote with your search bar and add to the totality of public consciousness and interest. You just might reveal your love of apple blossom fairy quilts to the world.

"i want to know about..."

2 Comments

Filed under Media, Meta

2 responses to “In search of… search results

  1. breadriot

    Hahaha!! Wow. So I came to this page because I’ve just done my own WordPress experiment (I’m new here) – I’d happened to tag one post with “sex” and got my first views from a tag. So I tagged my next one with “sex” too (both posts were in fact sex-related) and compared. I concluded my post by commenting that this phenomenon gave me similar satisfaction to the kind I get seeing what Google suggests when I start typing in “What do.”

    Then, since I was curious how much of my posts had appeared on WordPress’s “sex” tag search page – i.e. what was motivating people to click on my posts once they got there – I went to that page, where I found your post right next to mine and saw that you’d just written about the same thing.

  2. Andreas

    That is a hilariously bizarre coincidence. I think, for bloggers writing about sex, the Internet’s reputation as being for porn is, at most, a mixed blessing. Just maybe we can grant some erudition to the sex-obsessed searchings that lead to our blogs.

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