I have a really weird relationship with music. I absolutely love music and I love discovering new artists. I have this habit of, upon discovering a new artist that I REALLY like, immediately downloading all their albums and practically drowning myself in their music and it’s like bliss for about 3 or 4 weeks. But this can be really problematic when you discover an artist like Tom Waits and you fall SO DEEP IN LOVE and then find out that the man has 20+ studio albums, and a shit ton of other stuff, like contributions to other albums, plays and contributions to films, etc. But that doesn’t even defer me. I’m just like OM NOM NOM ART. Sometimes this works out for the best. Like with Tom Waits. I downloaded nearly his entire discography and never looked back; my relationship with Tom Waits’ music three years later is still going strong.
On the flip side of the coin, you have my relationship with, say, Mindless Self Indulgence. I heard ‘Faggot’ one time on someone’s Myspace three or so years ago. And was like OMGWHATISTHISMUSTDOWNLOADALLOFIT! I downloaded the entire discography and for about a year MSI was part of my regular music listening. Then one day, out of fucking nowhere I was like OH MY GOD, THIS MUSIC IS HURTING MY BRAIN and deleted every last song from my computer. Then about a year later, I was like Oh, my God, I really wanna listen to Kill the Rock. So I just downloaded Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy. All was well for a few months. Then I deleted the entire album from my computer again. And now that I’m writing about it and thinking about that album, I kinda wanna download it right now.
I have a problem.
It’s kind of like this all or nothing mentality. Like, okay, yeah, I could just download that one song I really like or just download that one album BUT what if this particular artist has other songs that I WOULD JUST ABSOLUTELY LOVE and I miss out on them because I didn’t take the time to download more of their music? And I’d have to go the rest of forever not knowing what I’m missing out on. I seriously agonize over this. And I stress out about how incredibly vast art is (because this spills over into all the other art I take in as well): there’s so much awesome and so little time. And then I take into account that I spend a lot of my time worrying about other things, like school and money and food and living and shit, and THEN I take into account the fact that I’m really lazy a lot of the time when it comes to intellectuality and art AND THEN I take into account the fact that I spend a lot of time just passively consuming instead of actively creating and then my head explodes and I have to go asleep for awhile and not look at anything.
I think I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. I just spent the last 40 minutes laying on the bed in a fetal position with my arms over my face telling my boyfriend not to ask me questions or talk about me. I’m completely on edge right now and vibrating with anxious energy. But I can’t do anything with it because I feel like I’m about to shatter into a million pieces.
I’m moving soon. In about three weeks. I have $214. I’m moving three hours away. I’m going to live with three strangers. I don’t know them. I have to share a room with one of them. I’m going to start college. I have to be able to competently walk to the bus station every day or find some other transportation to ensure that I get to class every day because I’m 21 years old and still haven’t found the courage or willpower to learn how to drive a car. I have to find a job out there, right away, so I can pay rent and buy food and live. I’m very anxious about this even though I really, really want it. I can’t help this anxiety. Big changes don’t happen to me very often and I have no idea how to deal with any of it psychologically so I just kind of freeze up and lay on the bed in a fetal position telling my boyfriend not to talk about me or my life or my future because it makes me feel like there’s fire inside my stomach.
I applied for a job at the Target near where my apartment will be. They said they couldn’t offer me a position at this time. Fuck them.
Andreas is going to be here soon. But I can’t really get excited about it even though I miss him more than anything and want him here with me because he’s arriving AFTER I move and thinking about anything beyond that makes me feel like I’m made of rubber. I told Andreas earlier today that I felt like a piece of rubber. He asked me what kind of rubber. I said “A dirty piece of rubber that’s been laying on the ground for awhile.” I don’t know how else to explain how I feel right now and I don’t know how to elaborate on that metaphor.
I feel like trying to do anything right now is way too taxing. It feels like too much pressure. Reading a book would be too much work. Bathing would be too much. So would cleaning my room. And I can’t even think about starting to pack. When I think about trying to pack, I look at my room and at the mountain of clothes in the corner. And then I look at the walls and all the papers and art and posters and pictures on the wall and I think about how long it’s going to take me to take all of it down and make sure that it’s all safely packed away so that I can put it back up later. And then I just stop thinking about it and read something online or listen to music because I would rather put it all off to the last minute and then have to scramble to get it all done than do it all in a timely fashion over the next three weeks.
I went three days without brushing my teeth. Do you have any idea how gross that is? I left my electric toothbrush at my dad’s house, which made me incredibly sad, so I had to use my nephew’s small toothbrush. I asked my mom to buy me a $1 big person toothbrush at the dollar store. She did. So I brushed my teeth like five times in the past 24 hours. I need to brush them again really soon. I need to take a shower. But it feels like an impossible task. I don’t know why. I like taking showers. I want to cut all my hair off. It’s too long, too thick, it makes me really hot, and I hate dealing with it. I don’t want hair anymore.
I’m sorry for this insane, frenetic blog post. But I feel a lot better now.
Note: When I am this emotionally unstable the smallest things can send me over the edge. In the same sense, the smallest things can completely alter my mood and lift my spirits. I have been craving popcorn for weeks and very frustrated that we have none. I was about to make some Ramen when I noticed THREE BAGS OF POP SECRET sitting behind the coffee maker! WTF? Who hides popcorn! And they were dusty! Who hides popcorn for that long?! So I made two bags of it and I am totally nomming the fuck out of this popcorn and I feel like a completely different person than I did several hours ago. Popcorn, FTW.