Sometimes my heart pounds like thunder and I don’t know why I don’t explode

Trigger Warning: for mentions of rape and extreme misogyny

This. Just this. I can’t even. There are no fucking words. Last night I cried, I fucking sobbed because my body is not my own. My body is not my right. My body is a fucking political war ground. It terrifies me that I could wake up someday and need a fucking abortion and I would have to jump through countless painful hoops just to obtain one. And then, after all that, people would sit and fucking judge me for taking responsibility for MY life and MY body and MY fucking well-being.

It gets hard, realizing every fucking day that they don’t care about you. They don’t care if you die. They don’t care if you can’t feed your kids. They don’t care if the mental ramifications of pregnancy and child-rearing are so emotionally traumatizing that you’re never the same again. They don’t give a shit about you. You shouldn’t have opened your legs, you fucking slut. Oh, what’s that? You were raped? Oh, you were using contraception carefully but it failed you? Well, maybe the rape victim is okay but the person who willingly had sex, she doesn’t deserve an abortion. She doesn’t fucking deserve it because she’s a slut who needs to be punished with a baby. Responsibility is what we need to teach these silly ladies and the best fucking way to do that is by FORCING pregnancy that they don’t want onto them. We have a hierarchy of worth: you, woman with two children who’s birth control failed her, or you, woman who accidentally forgot a pill or had a condom rip, are not at the top of that hierarchy. Sorry for your fucking luck.

This is what a misogynistic culture looks like. This is what sexism looks like. Do you really fucking think this is about ‘saving babies’ or ‘cherishing life’? If the anti-choicers gave two fucking shits about saving fetuses then they would fucking acknowledge the 70,000 fucking women (and their fetuses) that die every. Fucking. Year. From illegal, unsafe abortions. And do you think this is the only thing? Really? Oh, no. There’s ANOTHER proposed bill that would allow doctors to refuse treatment to women if it would endanger their fetus. It’s called “The Protect Life” act. The irony would be funny if it weren’t so fucking terrifying. And the plans to cut funding for Planned Parenthood (which is terrifying on so many levels; thousands of women depend on Planned Parenthood for routine checkups and access to birth control). Don’t you fucking see it?

They want us to fucking die. They don’t fucking care.

Fetuses are more important than women. You should be punished for having sex. You should be punished for wanting to have bodily autonomy. You should be punished for accidentally losing a pregnancy. Like the woman who was imprisoned for having a miscarriage. The laws that enabled this woman to be imprisoned for a miscarriage are the same kind of fucking “Personhood Laws” that the GOP is pushing for in America. You think it can’t happen here? You’re fucking wrong. And yes, surprise sur-fucking-prise, that bill was passed in fucking Utah, the same fucking state that requires women to look at an ultrasound before an abortion. Because, you know, women are fucking stupid and there’s no way a woman could have sat and thought long and fucking hard about whether or not this was the right decision for her. No, after all that, she has to be forced to look at a fucking ultrasound in the ridiculous hopes that she’ll have some epiphany that it’s A BABY SHE’S KILLING! YOU’RE MURDERING A BABY, SLUT!

And you know what my absolute favorite part of all this is? The overwhelming majority of the people who are making these decisions about women’s bodies, health and lives are cis men. You know, the people who won’t ever fucking have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. They won’t ever have to deal with being forced or shamed into carrying their rapist’s fetus to term (all the while undergoing potentially triggering invasive check ups and procedures). They won’t have to fucking make the choice between being able to feed your already living breathing children or terminating a fetus that isn’t even a fucking person and being called a fucking murderer for it. They don’t have to worry about dying during childbirth (which BTW, death during childbirth happens way more than death during safe, legal abortions) or being denied lifesaving medical treatment because your doctor thinks that the moral decision is to let you fucking die. They don’t have to worry about hemorrhaging and bleeding the fuck out after a botched back-alley procedure that you underwent because you couldn’t afford or didn’t have access to clean, sterile, safe, legal procedures.  These are definitely the people who should be making these decisions about women’s lives, right?

I’m angry (obviously). I’m scared and I feel vulnerable and helpless. I’m so angry that it’s 2011 and we STILL have to carry on this fight. Roe v. Wade was in 19-fucking-73. We’ve been fighting ever fucking since. Our rights to our bodies and health aren’t important enough to be set in stone in our laws. So yeah, I am angry. Really fucking angry. And I refuse to fucking apologize for my anger. I refuse to be nice. Too fucking often we’re told, oh, well you can’t BE angry; you have to nice and calm and willing to explain everything over and over and over and over because if you don’t-if you’re not compliant and willing and sweet about EVERYTHING ALWAYS-well, people just won’t listen to you! Well, you know what? Fuck you. I am fucking unapologetically angry right now. This pro-choice screed isn’t an invitation for open debate; I don’t fucking want to hear your anti-choice rationalization. Women are dying. Women’s health is being threatened and disregarded. So I don’t really give two squirts of piss about your fucking reasons why you think abortion is so morally wrong and should be illegal. If that alienates some of the readers who come by this blog: too fucking bad. To quote Kathleen Hanna:

I’m so sorry that I’m alienating some of you/your whole fucking culture alienates me.

War has been waged on our bodies, our autonomy, our health and our very fucking lives. I’m not here to fucking play nicey-nice about that.

5 Comments

Filed under Body, Feminism, Health, Personal, Politics

5 responses to “Sometimes my heart pounds like thunder and I don’t know why I don’t explode

  1. I love your rage, because it is necessary.

  2. RaDD678

    As I told my doctors and EVERYONE when I was pregnant “No uterus, no opinion” why are MEN making any decisions about our rights?? How about instead of abortions we just start implementing forced vasectomies? It’s every bit as ludicrous as women having to fight for the basic rights to decide what we get to do with our own bodies. Guarantee if mens balls were on the line suddenly the rights to your own body would be the MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE on the political agenda. The entire issue would be hammered out before lunch if the tables were turned….

  3. Women getting angry proper. It makes me so proud.

    You can ignore this next few paragraphs, but this might be somewhat relevent.

    In eighth grade health, the teacher wrote ‘Adoption’ ‘Abortion’ and ‘Keep’ (and I think something else to the effect of keeping a baby, I forget what exactly). Then she told us all (it was a mixed gender class) to close our eyes and raise our hands when she called the one that we would do in the event of pregnancy. So, being an asshole with long eyelashes and scratched glasses, I squinted to see what was going on. Now, I thought she was just doing tallies, you understand. But no. She was writing down the names of everybody who raised their hand, and putting them on the board under their choice. So I kept my hand down and hoped she wouldn’t notice. But of course she did, and she demanded I pick one. I, on top of being an asshole, was/am a shy, awkward, rather unpopular teenage girl who’s terrible under pressure. So I just said no, and then no again, and then I kind of stuck out my tongue, because at this point the lady was fucking all up in my face, fucking interrogating me, and it made me bloody nervous. And then she sent me to the office.

    I mean, I’m sure she would’ve been fine if I just said I was uncomfortable answering. I mean, my town is mostly South Park conservative, and the great majority of the kids in the class (including all of the guys) had gone under Adoption, with two girls going for Abortion and one girl going under Keep. I was content being ignored, occasionally picked on in that inoffensive, ignorable-in-anecdote way people are so good at now. I didn’t need any of the attention such a list would’ve gotten me.

    So, yes. Cool. Thanks for providing me comment space. G’day.

    • Ashley

      Thanks for sharing your story. That’s such a weird and bizarre thing to make young people do and it definitely wasn’t okay for that teacher to demand that you participate.

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