Strange things happen at 2:00 AM when your boyfriend has called and woken you up from a peaceful slumber and he’s all happy and bouncy and wants to talk and shit. And then he does something bizarre, like imply that The Star Wars Holiday Special is better than Showgirls (he claims that I’m misinterpreting him). And then I have to come up with a list of the reasons why Showgirls is, was, and always will be better than that piece of shit holiday fucking douchebag of a movie:
1) There’s no fucking Wookiees in it.
2) Showgirls has tits in it.
3) Kyle MacLachlan’s in it, which makes it a bazillion times better than the Star Wars Holiday Special.
4) Everyone speaks English—and if they didn’t, it would be subtitled.
5) It doesn’t take place in space.
6) Uhm, Gina Gershon! Hello!
7) It’s practically a trashy remake of All About Eve, and what’s not to like about that?
8) That guy who owns the fucking strip club, and the fat chick. Them right there. They make the fucking movie.
9) The pool scene. Please. Come on, seriously. How can you not love that?
10) Because it uses the phrase “It’s showtime!” like 3 or 4 times, in the same fucking movie.
There we go, ten good reasons why Showgirls is way fucking better than The Star Wars Holiday Special. There are more reasons, I know. But this is what I came up with on the spot. Fuck Wookiees.
Filed under Cinema, Personal
Part three! The artwork in this story is, by far, the best in the entire memoir (in my humble opinion). I love the way these two pages came out. The best part is, at the time I’m typing this I STILL haven’t finished my review for the Icicles. I gotta get on the ball, for real.
Hit the jump to read about The Cycle of Sex Toy Reviewing…
Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to pet a kitty for me. But until that day, consider this set of awesome Internet links a gift on this Friday. This is a Link Dump you can’t refuse, because we finally used the kitty from the opening scene of The Godfather.
- Personal plug: as previously mentioned, Ashley’s final project in her Graphic Memoir class was writing and illustrating a 10-page graphic memoir. All the students’ stories were put together and printed to create Pulling Teeth: Abington Stories (which you can totally buy right here)!
- If you like The Film Experience’s “First and Last” series, you’ll love David Bordwell’s latest piece, all about beginnings and endings in films like Snow White, The Wild One, and Broken Blossoms.
- Really, honestly, what’s better than the intersection of film and comics? Adrian Tomine is helping to raise money for Japan by selling gorgeous prints of his DVD cover art for two Ozu films. Both Ozu and Tomine are all about perfectly composed frames, so it’s a match made in visual art heaven.
- 12 minutes of Wilhelm screams!
- News stories don’t come much more bizarre than this one about urine and cough drops from Orlando.
- FreakyTrigger has an image-packed review of Russ Meyer’s Mudhoney. (They give a trigger warning, so I will too.)
- Call for creativity! If you’re part of a marginalized group, contribute to this zine; it’s for a final project and a cool opportunity to have your voice heard.
- Cinema Enthusiast has an awesome list of “10 Creepy Villains from Children’s Films,” with some obscure and Dahl-tastic choices.
- We here at Pussy Goes Grrr are grammar fanatics so this article about 11 Grammatically Incorrect Movie Titles tickles us just the right way. (Seriously, lol!)
- I (Ashley) used to be an avid fanfic writer (and sometimes I’ll get a wild hair and start a completely random fanfic now at 22 years of age), so the inevitable “Fuck Yeah, Fanfic Flamingo” is so delightful to me I can’t even explain it. Many a fanfic reader/writer will enjoy it as well.
As usual, this week saw about a zillion different pornographic search terms with “pussy” in them. Three of the weirdest were “kids 10 and up getting pussy” (yuck/yikes), “the most profound and wide pussy” (Zen pussy?), and of course, “why don’t wives give up the pussy,” which makes “pussy” sound like the remote control a couple is fighting over.
I enjoyed the very dull search for “bland, empty, generically,” as well as the open-ended “we could have saved the” (what?! what?!). But the cake was taken by the poorly punctuated, redundant, and hilarious “wow ,it’s very sexy ,sex shopping ,i like it very much.” I like it very much too.
The Marx Brothers’ masterpiece Duck Soup has many moments of utter, off-the-wall, WTF-inspiring surrealism, but this one tops them all. How could any other visual gag, no matter how inspired, ever compete with the sublime madness of a real-live dog poking its head out of Harpo’s chest? Yes, the scene where Harpo hides fully dressed in a bathtub underneath an unsuspecting, naked Edgar Kennedy is pretty weird, and so is Harpo callously hacking up Kennedy’s clothes with a pair of scissors. (Noticing a trend here?)
But come on: it’s a dog emerging from a tattoo in the middle of Harpo’s chest and barking in Groucho’s face. That’s an absolutely baffling non sequitur on the order of the “Large Marge” scene in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, the kind that leaves you reeling for a couple minutes afterward. The kind that lets you know that the rules are no longer in effect—that you are not watching a “normal” movie. In both these examples, it’s because inventive camera techniques have been used to subvert “reality,” letting us know that we’re entering a realm where literally anything is possible. If they can dream it, they can film it.
This scene has another very strange, unexpected dimension: it’s slightly homoerotic (and therefore incestuous). After all, we get a few solid minutes of Harpo showing off his body to an inquisitive Groucho, starting with his tattooed arms and his hip (see above), which bears a phone number. Harpo eagerly bares his chest while maintaining that maniacal grin, then Groucho puts his mouth right next to the tattoo and meows. “Weird” doesn’t really begin to cover it. The barking dog is really just the icing on the cake—and while most movies would showcase the dog’s appearance as audaciously avant-garde, in Duck Soup it’s just one more punchline, delivered with little fanfare.
In fact, we get one more bizarre, quasi-sexual joke as Groucho declares, “I’ll betcha haven’t got a picture of my grandfather,” and Harpo leaps to take off his pants and expose his ass before Groucho stops him. This scene’s ambiguous sexual tension is very understated, but unmistakable: Harpo is communicating through a surreal, bit-by-bit striptease while his brother marvels at his strange body, getting closer and closer. So both the formal and sexual aspects of this scene are further proof that in the world of Duck Soup, all bets are off. Nothing is off the table. If you didn’t learn that during the film’s first half-hour, you have now!
Here’s the next part of Wandering Uterus! This second story is only one page long and it’s the first one I finished completely for the comic. I’m extremely proud of it and I hope you all like it too!
As promised before, I’m going to post the stories from my graphic memoir (which I just got my grade for today; 100%, whoo!). These first four pages are my least favorite; I want to completely redo them. Click for bigger, easier to read images!
See more about me as a young, budding feminist (in comic form!) after the jump…