Woohoo, made it to Order of the Phoenix! So…wow. Just wow. I had no idea the amount of FUCKERY in this book. Other than being, probably the most annoying book in the whole series, it’s not as well written as the fourth, which is fucking bizarre! But let me not start the bitching prematurely! This will be spread out over THREE WHOLE GODDAMN POSTS.
Things That Confuse and Anger Me About the Harry Potter Series: Order of the Phoenix
1. We start this book out right away with big a dollop of angst from Harry: why isn’t anyone telling me anything, I’m the one who fought Voldemort, wahh, wahhhh, wahhhhh. It’s not so much the fact that he’s angsty that gets me (that’s what 15-year-olds do, I was 15 once, I remember it well) it’s that he’s taking typical self-centered teenage angst and applying it to something that is way bigger than him. He’s assuming that he’s been totally forgotten by Dumbledore (totes likely, amirite?) and being purposefully left out of the loop even though he (according to himself) should be notified more than anyone else because he’s Harry Potter.
2. See? See where all this ridiculous coddling has gotten Harry? He’s so fucking used to being given special privileges and special information that when Dumbledore withholds information from him and treats him like he does any other student, he gets really, really angry and thinks things like: “Hadn’t he proved himself capable of handling much more than [Hermione and Ron]?” and “Wasn’t anybody going to say ‘well done’ for fighting off two Dementors single-handedly?” When Harry isn’t being treated like a special snowflake, he just can’t handle it.
Hit the jump to read about Harry’s ridiculous temper tantrums, Sirius being an irresponsible douche, one truly horrifying sentence, and more…
3. When Harry asks Lupin how they’re going to be leaving he says it has to be brooms because it’s the “only way. You’re too young to Apparate, they’ll be watching the Floo Network, and it’s more than our life’s worth to set up an unauthorized Portkey.” Uhm, Side-Along Apparition? Anyone, Side-Along Apparition? No? That’s not a thing yet? Okay.
4. Oh my GOD, Harry, you’re such a jerk. He arrives and at first he’s super excited to see Ron and Hermione but then he remembers how wronged he was by them. He sees the marks Hedwig left on Hermione’s and Ron’s hands on his orders and doesn’t feel sorry about it. Like, okay, yeah, they totally should’ve just defied Dumbledore’s orders and told you alllll about the Order, and Grimmauld Place (even though they literally couldn’t tell him about Grimmauld Place because they’re not the Secret Keepers of it) and every little detail they knew! It’s not like that mail was likely to get intercepted or something! Nope, they were just trying to piss off you, the great, brave, most-worthy Harry Potter. God, he needs to get over himself. And then we get my beloved CAPS LOCK HARRY.
5. “I’VE BEEN STUCK AT THE DURSLEYS’ FOR A MONTH AND I’VE HANDLED MORE THAN YOU TWO’VE MANAGED AND DUMBLEDORE KNOWS IT—WHO SAVED THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE? WHO GOT RID OF RIDDLE? WHO SAVED BOTH YOUR SKINS FROM THE DEMENTORS?” Wow. This kid is really fucking full of himself; I remember the first time I read CAPS LOCK Harry’s first CAPS LOCK diatribe, I was so just stunned at how amazing Harry truly thought he was. Because as I’ve pointed out time and time again, Harry wouldn’t have survived any of those things if he hadn’t had immense help from the people around him. Hell, he never even would’ve gotten to the Stone in his first year if Ron wasn’t good at chess and Hermione didn’t understand riddles. This is just gross. He seriously needs to get over himself.
6. “CAN’T’VE WANTED TO [tell him important information] THAT MUCH OR YOU’D HAVE SENT ME AN OWL, BUT DUMBLEDORE MADE YOU SWEAR—” Wow, what an assshole. Like, I’m sorry, but when you’re to the point where you feel so fucking entitled to know everything that you’re expecting your friends to defy the greatest, most intelligent Wizard (who also happens to be their Headmaster and the Chess Master of everything that is happening) you have serious fucking problems. And you know, the adults around Harry are partially responsible for this. Because they’ve always let him be privy to special information and if it’s not obvious in this book how it’s negatively impacted how he views his own importance and his own sense of entitlement, I don’t know what does. He doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries because Dumbledore, the ultimate father figure, has never really given him any.
7. And then, finally, to appease the beast that is CAPS LOCK Harry, Hermione—eyes full of tears—says that she’s really sorry and she understands and she would be furious too if it were her. So she basically lies just to stop him from freaking out. Hermione would never act like this because she has the presence of mind to understand that there are some things that should not be communicated in ways other than face to face. Especially in the magic world.
8. Oh my God and even after he stops yelling he’s so fucking demanding. He practically barks orders at them and gets pissy when they says they don’t really know that much information anyway. Jesus, this kid needs to get a hobby or get laid or something, he’s way too high-strung.
9. I like Sirius as a character but I’ve always thought he was a lousy godfather to Harry. He and Harry are just too much alike, too into breaking rules and making trouble. Sirius is experiencing the same kind of frustration that Harry is over not be able to do anything and that just isn’t a good mix; he’s basically showing Harry that it’s fine to feel that way and that Dumbledore is leaving them out for no good reason. Harry doesn’t need someone encouraging him to be resentful towards Dumbledore. He needs a father figure who can help him understand that some information is just not something he needs to know. Molly may be a little overprotective but she really hits it on the nose when she tells Sirius that he acts like Harry is his friend (specifically, James) more than his godson. Of course, Harry doesn’t see a problem with this because he’s 15 and the idea of adults treating you like you’re also an adult, treating you like a friend, is a very appealing idea to teenagers. But with Harry, it’s almost all the adults around him with the exception of Molly and Arthur. Harry doesn’t know what it’s like to have a real parental figure who gives him boundaries because as soon as Sirius came along Harry considered him his guardian and moral guide.
10. And I get especially confused about Sirius’ attitude because it seemed so different the year before. During the Triwizard Tournament when they were merely speculating that Harry may be in danger Sirius was always telling him to keep a low profile, be very careful, all that stuff. Now—when the threat of danger is very real for Harry and everyone else—that’s gone and Sirius is talking about how Dementors would’ve been a welcome distraction and acting all resentful. I get that he’s stuck in his family’s old house and he feels useless but Jesus Christ, dude, get over it. There’s a fucking war going on.
11. It really pisses me off that Sirius says to Molly that Harry’s not her son. Like, seriously, bro? Molly and Arthur were parental figures long before you came along. And now all of a sudden because you’re out of Azkaban you think that you’re a perfect father figure? It really makes me angry how Sirius just disregards all that Molly and Arthur have done for Harry and how Harry just kind of goes along with it because Sirius wants to give him his way. God, these people are ridiculous. Also, holy fuck, I’m not even 100 pages in and I’ve already got all this shit I’m complaining about. Wow.
12. “Glittering jets of water were flying from the ends of the two wands, the point of the centaur’s arrow, the tip of the goblin’s hat and each of the house elf’s ear, so that the tinkling hiss of falling water was added to the pops and cracks of Apparators and the clatter of footsteps as hundreds of witches and wizards, most of whom were wearing glum, early-morning looks, strode toward a set of golden gates at the far end of the hall.”
THIS IS ONE GODDAMN SENTENCE. WHAT FUCKERY IS THIS? WHAT EDITOR LET THIS MONSTROSITY OF A SENTENCE INTO A PUBLISHED BOOK?! THERE ARE 7 FUCKING COMMAS IN THAT SENTENCE. WHAT THE FUCK, J.K.?! SEMICOLONS. PERIODS. THEY ARE YOUR FRIENDS. USE THEM.
13. I really have to hand it to J.K. Rowling for capturing quite perfectly the obnoxious moodiness of the self-centered teenager. When Ron receives his prefect badge, Harry’s all wahh, wahhh, I did way more than them, I’m better at Ron than a lot of things, wahhhh. And then during the celebration he learns that his dad and Sirius weren’t prefects and instantly feels a million times better. Then, not 10 minutes later he hears Kingsley asking Lupin why Dumbledore didn’t make Harry prefect since it would’ve shown his confidence in Harry, and Harry deflates like a sad little balloon, wishing he were in bed. Gawwwd, teenagers are gross.
I think this might be a good breaking point; we’re just about to get to Hogwarts. And things are just. Fucking. Starting. Luckily, you won’t have to wait 3 whole weeks! Parts 2 and 3 will be going up this weekend! As always leave comments, concerns or anything!